the no more vegas blues

i really miss my family.

damn

a few rambles

i will gladly concede
the trophy of daisies
that floats down the river
to your victory,
you have always been the victor

i will follow it,
removed if need be,
watching the currents
take your prize
to more calming seas

and if told by the victor
to be bold and
turn away,
i will change my eyes
away from my mistakes

and i will live,
knowing your victory
was really all i truly wanted


lets race

uncle d, bud light me

what a joy it is to let
down my arms
to put down my dukes
while in the presence of those
in which i have never needed my guns

flight 2095

vegas, how have i never seen you like this?
is it me?
have my eyes become more willing to see your
shining bones beneath the grit of it all?

damn you, its cold
but a sky like this i have never
witnessed.

there is more to you than booze, ballers, blackjack and bitches

well, not a whole lot.
you are still what you are

fall into it

the life we live. so beautiful

Charles in charge...

it is hard to recognize my self these days,
but only in the best of ways

will you all agree with me?

i have found the newest dance in town
and i am moving and grooving to the grave

will you be at my wake?

i have earned my stars of wonder
from ascending the stairs of random strangers

will you share a drink with me?

i am falling into it. i am falling into it
and it is the fall the frees my being

will you let me bruise my knees?

i wanted more to share today...,

but 12 hour work day... activate.

simple truth (why does it take so long to find out)

it is not about having something to say,
it is simply about what you discover

the center of the earth

a night in,
the basement calls
one last time,
for it knows i will
soon be leaving

good bye,
my palace of discovery
you have shown me
the errors of my ways,
the duty i owe to my heart,
and that joy can reside
in this world of sorrow

2010... you are mine for the taking

'hey joesph,
wipe that shit-eating grin off
your damn face"

but good god,
why?
life, will you not let me look forward to this?
honestly,
i have no expectations
can't i enjoy this...

i am smiling
not that i haven't recently
( i have learned to smile at the shit)
but the hope...
the possibility of a good time
at least.

hallelujah

really,
i need you, those who care for my
well being, my vulnerability,
my good-nature ,
those who have loved me,
for you to let me have this,
a life without "what are the risk?"

I have weighed the risk all my life.
i can't ( i wont, i refuse!!) think about what i will next
trip on

let me fall, if need be.
it will be a "what a fall"
a hard one,
but in that fall i will wear a coat of joy
so wonderful
so worth it

i will grin my way to the grave
if need be...

general relativity

oh saints of my soul,
look at us, braving this
shit-show

oh saints of my becoming,
listen to our howls in this
time of discovery

oh saints of my well-being,
"thanks" i scream, scream!
yet let me dream

for once, let me be blind to this

oh saints of my bar tab,
close me out only
when i lose my love for all

oh saints of my poor vagrants,
free me again and again
from my thoughts of restraint

i love i love i love you all
can't this be enough?

for once, let me guided by this

don't worry...it's not just the alcohol. no joke.

jay-z
prepare to meet your maker

and others...
(dylan and those who know ME(which is few))
this aint about you.

this is new york
no joke
don't mind if it leaves me broke

i have this,
don't take it
don't reason it
just heal it
if need be
just let me
go

(the words i utter in the mirror, above and bellow)

follow your goddamn gut,
for pete's sake
4:04 A.M.

foggy days, tow trucks, and cult members (what a scary pass)

what was that?
something that i forgot?
something on yet another walk home
after a night that seems to be
the most important night of
this life of mine?

What did i forget?
what would i say?
what would happen if
given the opportunity to utter
"i am willing to loose for you?"

"timing is everything..."
who heard that?
who heard that spoken from my mouth?
like a champ,
i saw you dance
exposed to me.
not your skin,
but your soul.
an openness i wish
i had the bravery to show to
at least one other soul.
the false guilt of who i was.

what if...
what if...

what if i had this compass back then?
this compass of now?
Oh, i would have said "of course"
on that beach

and saying "of course "
might have saved us
on that foggy day,
but the truth is
it took realizing the truth
of this shit show we pitter-patter in
is bogus.
if then was now
i would have been all game
to sink into that sand
on the foggy beach
with you

"keep your thought to your self, joseph!,"
yells the keeper of reason.

"where has reason gotten me?"
reason has lost me my god,
and i will never find him again

"oh no no no
Joseph, be a bit more discrete
don't be the fool
for those who can't understand
what you have seen."

but why hide what is true to me?

so, without further ado,
my manifesto folks,
my truth...

if you want the best for your lovers
and loved ones,
if you can say that truth
without doubt,
then ruin yourself
for someone else
do something destructive
you don't agree with,
because the smile of a person
you care for is enough
to heal your self-affliction...

dream boat

PLEASE, PLEASE
don't misunderstand,
the drunk,
mirtazapine induced
ramblings of this man

i am fine
so good
in fact,
best i have ever been
you better believe it

really
i am fine

just waiting...

the truth about venn diagrams

there i go,
talking my crazy talk
no one knows it's nutz
because i alone know it
not to be true...

but isn't that faith?
believing is something
you very well know might
be a falsehood?

if so, than baby,
i got faith in you...

hurry up, 3 hour power of NOW-er

don't be confused,
i suffer enough of that
for the whole damn world
i have taken it all on for you
miss number 2
my one my one

"lets sell everything and leave
on wednesday, no
thursday. FOR ROMANCE
i have $400,
i will spend on your lost...lost...lost"

oh you two, assholes of friends,
best fuckers ever
you almost got me to go
Goddamn, i wish four hundred
was enough
to get me to you to say
"what if i wasn't an idiot?"

pitter-patter

pitter-patter

needs with strings

oh what a life
to be wasted by
my haunting
past.

i loved,
but i failed
like so many of us,
us hemmingways

we can't all be saints
but goddamn it,
i am sure as shit we
are going to fucking try

fuck it,
time for bed

here is my last photo
i ever took of you
i see it now
i feel that
void i found so long
long ago

like i said,
fuck it,
time for bed

never wake, never shake

ha ha ha
let it ride, let this day
ride on
let there be no useless dawn,
for the walk home with
three beers deep
on an empty stomach
is just right for me
to see the truth



the truth is,
pretty girl,
i will love you.
love you tooooooo
much
all i want is to kiss the back
of your neck at the early dawn,
half asleep,
yet aware,
of the taste of your skin.



so, pretty girls
show me the truth that
resides on the skin on your neck
let me taste it
let tomorrow's dawn
be started with that taste
let me push your hair
out of my way.
your hair gets in the way
of the love i
truly wish to give

let me wake with you,
with someone...

hey, pretty girl, i take photos!!

"why?
why take the goddamn photo?
its been done before
ya, nothing special."

oh, well
i just happened to have a camera in my hand
didn't really know what else to do with it.

i should have thrown the camera
at your face,
you fucking demon of the soul.

lump

don't let it hang over
my head,
like the branch that holds
the rope

don't let being in the dark
take me
let me be taken by
the understanding
of how dire it may
or may not be

let me know
what to be ready for
let me see the grime future.

stove with wings

what did you do on thanksgiving?
I saw a viking throw a stove.

sean made it to the porch

tuesday,
who would of thought
that your joy would crush me,
that your company would
revive me
that your cold night would
stay with me in my bones,
well into the next day?

index finger #24

and fuck to you, one who
shouts misgivings in my ears.
i am just trying to make a walk
home from one friends house to mine
more enjoyable than the walk from then to now
i am drunk
why don't you send me to hell for it.

okay okay

oh memory, you dog
let the big dog eat
up anything you invested in,
for staring at a tree means more to you
than the past ever will

okay okay

and fuck to you, tree, one who
stops me dead in my tricks
(my tracks lead nowhere
no reason to cease my steps)
and yet, you cause more
inactions than i ever will

okay okay

this seats not for you

the only mold left
to find a place within,
is that of a man
on bended knees
with eyes unfocussed
upon the subject he never saw
or sees
or ever will,
yet this casting stares
into the abyss of
pure experience.
knowing his attempts
are futile,
fleeting and pointless.

however
haha however,
i chose to fall on
my bruised knees,
and sink into something
more real than the mold
of the cross or the dove
will ever give me.
my pointless poses
are better,
and more guiltless,
than the fake
ones

let the plaster harden
upon all of my
failed attempts.

smile and nod

gain control
this is all one grain of salt
that you would rather not take part
of

let the others check the weight
of their pain, finding reasons why
the battles are necessary to
live

you don't need to run,
you need to enjoy the pleasure
that only this absurd moment demands of
you

so drink your beer
stumble home
call people who
wont answer
and find peace
in how fucking
funny it really is

and don't mind
that you are soaking wet.

bees and wasp

the northwest wishes rhode island the best

i am injured, i am shaking at the knees,
i am dead like the raccoon staring at the ceiling.

when its never the same, then you know
that you can't take any of it back

where is your favor...?

in the mold it lies

a shot in the dark

i call out a name,
"no way. How so?
where from?"

she doesn't know that
the only thing left is to
come to terms with the reality that she
is a fucking idiot.
i guessed your name
you whore!!

Where are my props?
where is your adoration,
of a memory
stronger than the ego
of that prick with his tails
in between his legs?

he learned that tail move from me anyways,
so ask for my number instead.

the sacred hearts of forgotten virgins

fuck expectations and guilt. i have enough of that within myself already. i don't need it from the masses as well.

fuck the dragons

oh joseph, when will you see that the man,
with age showing harder than most,
is really you?

oh, joseph, why can't you gaze,
as well,
into his eyes that demand of you
"tear down your walls!?"

oh joseph, where else have you seen your god
other than these eyes,
absent of malice and suspicion?

who knows you better,
now that you brought down your fortress of stability
and sit naked
staring at the aged and naked man?

oh, little vagrants

ode to the time,
ode to the life
of instinct

praise to the compass
of deceit

ode to the way,
ode to the joy
of release

curse your hacksaws!!!

oh mirtazapine

why don't YOU do something about it

ladies night at the tanker.

stamps

"Hey man, do you have a postage stamp?"

"no, i don't..."

"fuck you. i just need a stamp!"

a conversation i had with a homeless man last night at around 1:00 am.

a few thoughts

who needs to mail something at 1:00 am? really? and is is that surprising that a drunk stranger walking down the road just trying to get home to bed doesn't happen to be carrying stamps on him? does anyone carry stamps on themselves?

i wish i did have a stamp on me. it would have been awesome.

what should one do to escape the self? All i can do is evaluate my faults and weaknesses. I am here, alone, with no one. I feel the weight of my mistakes and guilt for ones i haven't even made yet. I want to throw and hit things and punch walls and doors. I want to cry. I am not trying to be sad, I am being honest. I go to bed with fear and emptiness. i hate this. I wake up with an once of strength to self reflect. By the end of the day, I am crushed, defeated in self-reflection. Self-reflection is painful. The idea of making choices on the findings of these reflections is unbearable. But i hate this limbo. i hate the waiting. i hate wishing that i have to know to the consequences that my actions might bring. I shouldn't be writing this post, but i need to vent. I can't expect my loved ones to be hear to listen to me every time i feel this despair. I know i need this inwardness right now, but it is so very hard. I need to find who i am, what i can give, what i need, and what i want. The easy (but wrong) choice is to fall back into old habits, like nothing needs change. but i know that i will have to confront this thorn in my side and soul later. I know the problem wont go away. I need to make a choice to battle it. But in which direction? Is it either/or? is there a gray area. is there a middle ground? can i find it? can i get what i need and feel to be right for me, and not be alone? Can i have the love i need, while giving love the only way the i know how?

damn you Devil! you reside in my chest and cause this constant feeling of falling and sinking.

Portfolio review...

A strong execution of a concept.


A poor execution of a concept.

fence (get off the)

Fence, 2008

i want to be a great man, like Sam Hamilton.
I need to get off this fence and decide.