the sacred hearts of forgotten virgins

fuck expectations and guilt. i have enough of that within myself already. i don't need it from the masses as well.

fuck the dragons

oh joseph, when will you see that the man,
with age showing harder than most,
is really you?

oh, joseph, why can't you gaze,
as well,
into his eyes that demand of you
"tear down your walls!?"

oh joseph, where else have you seen your god
other than these eyes,
absent of malice and suspicion?

who knows you better,
now that you brought down your fortress of stability
and sit naked
staring at the aged and naked man?

oh, little vagrants

ode to the time,
ode to the life
of instinct

praise to the compass
of deceit

ode to the way,
ode to the joy
of release

curse your hacksaws!!!

oh mirtazapine

why don't YOU do something about it

ladies night at the tanker.

stamps

"Hey man, do you have a postage stamp?"

"no, i don't..."

"fuck you. i just need a stamp!"

a conversation i had with a homeless man last night at around 1:00 am.

a few thoughts

who needs to mail something at 1:00 am? really? and is is that surprising that a drunk stranger walking down the road just trying to get home to bed doesn't happen to be carrying stamps on him? does anyone carry stamps on themselves?

i wish i did have a stamp on me. it would have been awesome.

what should one do to escape the self? All i can do is evaluate my faults and weaknesses. I am here, alone, with no one. I feel the weight of my mistakes and guilt for ones i haven't even made yet. I want to throw and hit things and punch walls and doors. I want to cry. I am not trying to be sad, I am being honest. I go to bed with fear and emptiness. i hate this. I wake up with an once of strength to self reflect. By the end of the day, I am crushed, defeated in self-reflection. Self-reflection is painful. The idea of making choices on the findings of these reflections is unbearable. But i hate this limbo. i hate the waiting. i hate wishing that i have to know to the consequences that my actions might bring. I shouldn't be writing this post, but i need to vent. I can't expect my loved ones to be hear to listen to me every time i feel this despair. I know i need this inwardness right now, but it is so very hard. I need to find who i am, what i can give, what i need, and what i want. The easy (but wrong) choice is to fall back into old habits, like nothing needs change. but i know that i will have to confront this thorn in my side and soul later. I know the problem wont go away. I need to make a choice to battle it. But in which direction? Is it either/or? is there a gray area. is there a middle ground? can i find it? can i get what i need and feel to be right for me, and not be alone? Can i have the love i need, while giving love the only way the i know how?

damn you Devil! you reside in my chest and cause this constant feeling of falling and sinking.