what should one do to escape the self? All i can do is evaluate my faults and weaknesses. I am here, alone, with no one. I feel the weight of my mistakes and guilt for ones i haven't even made yet. I want to throw and hit things and punch walls and doors. I want to cry. I am not trying to be sad, I am being honest. I go to bed with fear and emptiness. i hate this. I wake up with an once of strength to self reflect. By the end of the day, I am crushed, defeated in self-reflection. Self-reflection is painful. The idea of making choices on the findings of these reflections is unbearable. But i hate this limbo. i hate the waiting. i hate wishing that i have to know to the consequences that my actions might bring. I shouldn't be writing this post, but i need to vent. I can't expect my loved ones to be hear to listen to me every time i feel this despair. I know i need this inwardness right now, but it is so very hard. I need to find who i am, what i can give, what i need, and what i want. The easy (but wrong) choice is to fall back into old habits, like nothing needs change. but i know that i will have to confront this thorn in my side and soul later. I know the problem wont go away. I need to make a choice to battle it. But in which direction? Is it either/or? is there a gray area. is there a middle ground? can i find it? can i get what i need and feel to be right for me, and not be alone? Can i have the love i need, while giving love the only way the i know how?

damn you Devil! you reside in my chest and cause this constant feeling of falling and sinking.