curse your hacksaws!!!

you dont know what i like

2010-06-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

coming back home from my east coast trip #2.
saying good bye fucking sucks

onlybears

2010-04-16T00:50:00.000-07:00

censor censor censor!!!!!!

why do i...
no, i don't.

ask me and i will tell you gladly
let me share my joy,
set aside your notions of
"whats good and right for Joseph"

"have you lit a fire under my ass...no"
"have you let my instinct reign as well...no, you haven't"
"have you all tied my shoe laces...no"
"have you all seen my joy of honesty...sadly, no."

onlybears can show the truth
onlybears are where the love repairs
my fucked up esteem
onlybears show me who i am

and i am ready to trust myself
and that feels so fucking good

so praise me for being a goddamn onlybear.

i swear i have pink eye....

2010-04-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

arr arr arr
this is like exorcism
a purging of the closeness
i was blessed to have for a fortnight

so now i count the days, once agian,
counting down the days to close breaths
to pillow face,
to a soft kiss
to a laugh.
a quick smoke,
to a touch

jesus christ, i fucking miss you

3000 is a hell of a number

2010-04-12T23:28:00.000-07:00

lets pretend miles were inches

you still would be way to far.

2 weeks...

2010-04-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

here it comes...

here it stays...

dont this shit just make you want to JUMPJUMP??

2010-03-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am learning,
Learning to toss out
My skeptic eyes.
Removing them from my being
And offering them to the moon

I am trying,
Trying to stop
My four minute mile mind.
Throwing up blockades
To give it a breath or two.

I am ceasing,
Ceasing to allow
My gut to be eaten up.
Instinct shall share the
Throne with reason.

"Let my eyes be the moss.
Let my eyes be the trash at stop 439.
Let my eyes be every captor that inspires.
Let my eyes be the cherry blossom leaves fallen on the cars, they are the new constellations in which I will read my future.
Let my eyes be every major, minor and diminished chord.
Let my eyes be the back of unforgotten neck.
Let my eyes be the beer bottles and cans, you boys are looking like skyscrapers!!!
Let my eyes be the death of my skeptic"

twenty-five

2010-01-28T00:43:00.000-08:00

6 down
19 to go
let 25 be the one i want
as well

but the 25 are yours,
and yours alone.
do what is best
for you and the boot
on her way to peru,
for she is a good one
keep her in mind
at least one of the
25 times

don't tell me what 25 is
unless it comes to pass.

if it comes true,
then the saint of smiles
just might become my saint of peru.

pupils...

2010-01-22T00:42:00.000-08:00

I am ready to loose
what sense of myself
I have left

(side note, i don't give a fuck about
my openness anymore)

my only want is not to undo my past,
but to start a new age.
An age where i learn
not to give up (for no reason)
so quickly.

follow through.
East coast,
chapter 7,
counterpart...
what ever it is.
see it to the end.

to do what is best for me

chapter 7...

2010-01-21T15:16:00.000-08:00

thinking about it. I have a consultation on tuesday. i am only 26. damn kidney stones. damn health care system

light and dark

2010-01-20T15:42:00.000-08:00

oh hell,
the kingdom is here

counterpart

2010-01-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

Peter Black and I are business owners
click here

robot rock

2010-01-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

may be a bit tipsy
but all i want to know
is what daft punk songs
you danced to today
in you head?

if you tell me,
i will tell you...

JE*^

2010-01-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

escape into this night
flee from this day,
into the fading streetlights
exit joseph

need a walk

they hot-boxed their 6 year old girl...

2010-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

spin, just spin around

what i would give for this again

elbowed in the...

2010-01-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

do you all really want this,
my honesty?

I am honest to myself
I know my truth,
and what is true
just might destroy you
and what you think of me

let me clarify, this is to all,
not one

my truth will expose me
in this very moment
for everyone to judge
my truth will show no mercy
to me

it will leave me in the rain, naked

i agree
i have learned some honesty,
but what i know,
i will never show fully
because you might not like what you see

and i like how you all see me,
so why stir the waters?

i will show one, or two, or three, but not all...
because i hate watching myself fall
in other's eyes

but you... whoever you may be
let my image waste away in your eyes,
into a vision of something more real
than i ever was

into an ugly truth
something honest
a man who wish to wake from his filth,
not sleep in it...

22 hours in less than 48

2010-01-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

see you all in two days...

rubies

2010-01-05T22:47:00.000-08:00

cutting me down
right at the knees

as the criminal gets his
car searched by the
canines,
i smoke
i wait
i ponder
i recreate

I'M DREAMING FOR CHRIST SAKE!!

good god, Mr cop
I am dreaming again
without loosing my head
or causing heads to roll

my new name is "Mr. GO-WITH-THE-DAMN-FLOW"

i love falling into to it, thank you Mr. Kacey Meyer

how so, Mr ?

2010-01-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

...you want is to exist in a way
that benefits yourself

...yet you know you also want to share
the beauty with others

...the trial is finding how to benefit
and share

...the truth sleeps softly within this
trial, this paradox

and the paradox, the truth, is i am never going
to fully exist for myself, yet i wont ever completely share all the beauty i fully feel

i wont ever be at ease with the/any path i choose

keep me guessing then

gold fish flying above your head

2010-01-05T00:35:00.000-08:00

giving up the unicorn (the mystery)
for something more meaningful (the history)

this is just fun. joy rises.
an undefined care and concern for another's well being
an innocent risk

bring it
let me be your manager.

Mr. Sway

2010-01-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

don't fade joy,
i am not done with you yet.

really..............

2010-01-02T23:45:00.000-08:00

all i can say about today is "fuck it..."
work was terrible (800 in sales, walk with 85)
i want to hang out with my friends, but work got in the way
I haven't eaten (my own damn fault)
and some homeless guy pulled out his dick on the bus and started talking to it.

it will be tomorrow in about ten minutes.
thank god

the no more vegas blues

2009-12-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

i really miss my family.

damn

2009-12-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

a few rambles

i will gladly concede
the trophy of daisies
that floats down the river
to your victory,
you have always been the victor

i will follow it,
removed if need be,
watching the currents
take your prize
to more calming seas

and if told by the victor
to be bold and
turn away,
i will change my eyes
away from my mistakes

and i will live,
knowing your victory
was really all i truly wanted

lets race

uncle d, bud light me

2009-12-28T23:07:00.000-08:00

what a joy it is to let
down my arms
to put down my dukes
while in the presence of those
in which i have never needed my guns

flight 2095

2009-12-23T10:28:00.000-08:00

vegas, how have i never seen you like this?
is it me?
have my eyes become more willing to see your
shining bones beneath the grit of it all?

damn you, its cold
but a sky like this i have never
witnessed.

there is more to you than booze, ballers, blackjack and bitches

well, not a whole lot.
you are still what you are

fall into it

2009-12-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

the life we live. so beautiful

Charles in charge...

2009-12-19T01:17:00.000-08:00

it is hard to recognize my self these days,
but only in the best of ways

will you all agree with me?

i have found the newest dance in town
and i am moving and grooving to the grave

will you be at my wake?

i have earned my stars of wonder
from ascending the stairs of random strangers

will you share a drink with me?

i am falling into it. i am falling into it
and it is the fall the frees my being

will you let me bruise my knees?

i wanted more to share today...,

2009-12-17T00:24:00.000-08:00

but 12 hour work day... activate.

simple truth (why does it take so long to find out)

2009-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

it is not about having something to say,
it is simply about what you discover

the center of the earth

2009-12-15T00:50:00.000-08:00

a night in,
the basement calls
one last time,
for it knows i will
soon be leaving

good bye,
my palace of discovery
you have shown me
the errors of my ways,
the duty i owe to my heart,
and that joy can reside
in this world of sorrow

2010... you are mine for the taking

2009-12-14T00:08:00.000-08:00

'hey joesph,
wipe that shit-eating grin off
your damn face"

but good god,
why?
life, will you not let me look forward to this?
honestly,
i have no expectations
can't i enjoy this...

i am smiling
not that i haven't recently
( i have learned to smile at the shit)
but the hope...
the possibility of a good time
at least.

hallelujah

really,
i need you, those who care for my
well being, my vulnerability,
my good-nature ,
those who have loved me,
for you to let me have this,
a life without "what are the risk?"

I have weighed the risk all my life.
i can't ( i wont, i refuse!!) think about what i will next
trip on

let me fall, if need be.
it will be a "what a fall"
a hard one,
but in that fall i will wear a coat of joy
so wonderful
so worth it

i will grin my way to the grave
if need be...

general relativity

2009-12-13T17:00:00.000-08:00

oh saints of my soul,
look at us, braving this
shit-show

oh saints of my becoming,
listen to our howls in this
time of discovery

oh saints of my well-being,
"thanks" i scream, scream!
yet let me dream

for once, let me be blind to this

oh saints of my bar tab,
close me out only
when i lose my love for all

oh saints of my poor vagrants,
free me again and again
from my thoughts of restraint

i love i love i love you all
can't this be enough?

for once, let me guided by this

don't worry...it's not just the alcohol. no joke.

2009-12-11T00:36:00.000-08:00

jay-z
prepare to meet your maker

and others...
(dylan and those who know ME(which is few))
this aint about you.

this is new york
no joke
don't mind if it leaves me broke

i have this,
don't take it
don't reason it
just heal it
if need be
just let me
go

(the words i utter in the mirror, above and bellow)

follow your goddamn gut,
for pete's sake
4:04 A.M.

foggy days, tow trucks, and cult members (what a scary pass)

2009-12-10T01:13:00.000-08:00

what was that?
something that i forgot?
something on yet another walk home
after a night that seems to be
the most important night of
this life of mine?

What did i forget?
what would i say?
what would happen if
given the opportunity to utter
"i am willing to loose for you?"

"timing is everything..."
who heard that?
who heard that spoken from my mouth?
like a champ,
i saw you dance
exposed to me.
not your skin,
but your soul.
an openness i wish
i had the bravery to show to
at least one other soul.
the false guilt of who i was.

what if...
what if...

what if i had this compass back then?
this compass of now?
Oh, i would have said "of course"
on that beach

and saying "of course "
might have saved us
on that foggy day,
but the truth is
it took realizing the truth
of this shit show we pitter-patter in
is bogus.
if then was now
i would have been all game
to sink into that sand
on the foggy beach
with you

"keep your thought to your self, joseph!,"
yells the keeper of reason.

"where has reason gotten me?"
reason has lost me my god,
and i will never find him again

"oh no no no
Joseph, be a bit more discrete
don't be the fool
for those who can't understand
what you have seen."

but why hide what is true to me?

so, without further ado,
my manifesto folks,
my truth...

if you want the best for your lovers
and loved ones,
if you can say that truth
without doubt,
then ruin yourself
for someone else
do something destructive
you don't agree with,
because the smile of a person
you care for is enough
to heal your self-affliction...

dream boat

2009-12-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

PLEASE, PLEASE
don't misunderstand,
the drunk,
mirtazapine induced
ramblings of this man

i am fine
so good
in fact,
best i have ever been
you better believe it

really
i am fine

just waiting...

the truth about venn diagrams

2009-12-08T01:34:00.000-08:00

there i go,
talking my crazy talk
no one knows it's nutz
because i alone know it
not to be true...

but isn't that faith?
believing is something
you very well know might
be a falsehood?

if so, than baby,
i got faith in you...

hurry up, 3 hour power of NOW-er

2009-12-07T01:08:00.000-08:00

don't be confused,
i suffer enough of that
for the whole damn world
i have taken it all on for you
miss number 2
my one my one

"lets sell everything and leave
on wednesday, no
thursday. FOR ROMANCE
i have $400,
i will spend on your lost...lost...lost"

oh you two, assholes of friends,
best fuckers ever
you almost got me to go
Goddamn, i wish four hundred
was enough
to get me to you to say
"what if i wasn't an idiot?"

pitter-patter

2009-12-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

pitter-patter

needs with strings

2009-12-05T03:16:00.000-08:00

oh what a life
to be wasted by
my haunting
past.

i loved,
but i failed
like so many of us,
us hemmingways

we can't all be saints
but goddamn it,
i am sure as shit we
are going to fucking try

fuck it,
time for bed

here is my last photo
i ever took of you
i see it now
i feel that
void i found so long
long ago

like i said,
fuck it,
time for bed

never wake, never shake

2009-12-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

ha ha ha
let it ride, let this day
ride on
let there be no useless dawn,
for the walk home with
three beers deep
on an empty stomach
is just right for me
to see the truth

the truth is,
pretty girl,
i will love you.
love you tooooooo
much
all i want is to kiss the back
of your neck at the early dawn,
half asleep,
yet aware,
of the taste of your skin.

so, pretty girls
show me the truth that
resides on the skin on your neck
let me taste it
let tomorrow's dawn
be started with that taste
let me push your hair
out of my way.
your hair gets in the way
of the love i
truly wish to give

let me wake with you,
with someone...

hey, pretty girl, i take photos!!

2009-11-30T23:56:00.000-08:00

"why?
why take the goddamn photo?
its been done before
ya, nothing special."

oh, well
i just happened to have a camera in my hand
didn't really know what else to do with it.

i should have thrown the camera
at your face,
you fucking demon of the soul.

lump

2009-11-29T23:11:00.000-08:00

don't let it hang over
my head,
like the branch that holds
the rope

don't let being in the dark
take me
let me be taken by
the understanding
of how dire it may
or may not be

let me know
what to be ready for
let me see the grime future.

stove with wings

2009-11-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

what did you do on thanksgiving?
I saw a viking throw a stove.

sean made it to the porch

2009-11-25T15:56:00.000-08:00

tuesday,
who would of thought
that your joy would crush me,
that your company would
revive me
that your cold night would
stay with me in my bones,
well into the next day?

index finger #24

2009-11-25T02:17:00.000-08:00

and fuck to you, one who
shouts misgivings in my ears.
i am just trying to make a walk
home from one friends house to mine
more enjoyable than the walk from then to now
i am drunk
why don't you send me to hell for it.

okay okay

oh memory, you dog
let the big dog eat
up anything you invested in,
for staring at a tree means more to you
than the past ever will

okay okay

and fuck to you, tree, one who
stops me dead in my tricks
(my tracks lead nowhere
no reason to cease my steps)
and yet, you cause more
inactions than i ever will

okay okay

this seats not for you

2009-11-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

the only mold left
to find a place within,
is that of a man
on bended knees
with eyes unfocussed
upon the subject he never saw
or sees
or ever will,
yet this casting stares
into the abyss of
pure experience.
knowing his attempts
are futile,
fleeting and pointless.

however
haha however,
i chose to fall on
my bruised knees,
and sink into something
more real than the mold
of the cross or the dove
will ever give me.
my pointless poses
are better,
and more guiltless,
than the fake
ones

let the plaster harden
upon all of my
failed attempts.

smile and nod

2009-11-23T00:02:00.000-08:00

gain control
this is all one grain of salt
that you would rather not take part
of

let the others check the weight
of their pain, finding reasons why
the battles are necessary to
live

you don't need to run,
you need to enjoy the pleasure
that only this absurd moment demands of
you

so drink your beer
stumble home
call people who
wont answer
and find peace
in how fucking
funny it really is

and don't mind
that you are soaking wet.

bees and wasp

2009-11-22T12:19:00.000-08:00

the northwest wishes rhode island the best

i am injured, i am shaking at the knees,
i am dead like the raccoon staring at the ceiling.

when its never the same, then you know
that you can't take any of it back

where is your favor...?

2009-11-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

in the mold it lies

a shot in the dark

2009-11-21T01:07:00.000-08:00

i call out a name,
"no way. How so?
where from?"

she doesn't know that
the only thing left is to
come to terms with the reality that she
is a fucking idiot.
i guessed your name
you whore!!

Where are my props?
where is your adoration,
of a memory
stronger than the ego
of that prick with his tails
in between his legs?

he learned that tail move from me anyways,
so ask for my number instead.

the sacred hearts of forgotten virgins

2009-11-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

fuck expectations and guilt. i have enough of that within myself already. i don't need it from the masses as well.

fuck the dragons

2009-11-20T03:04:00.000-08:00

oh joseph, when will you see that the man,
with age showing harder than most,
is really you?

oh, joseph, why can't you gaze,
as well,
into his eyes that demand of you
"tear down your walls!?"

oh joseph, where else have you seen your god
other than these eyes,
absent of malice and suspicion?

who knows you better,
now that you brought down your fortress of stability
and sit naked
staring at the aged and naked man?

oh, little vagrants

2009-11-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

ode to the time,
ode to the life
of instinct

praise to the compass
of deceit

ode to the way,
ode to the joy
of release

curse your hacksaws!!!

2009-11-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

oh mirtazapine

why don't YOU do something about it

2009-11-17T18:45:00.000-08:00

ladies night at the tanker.

stamps

2009-06-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

"Hey man, do you have a postage stamp?"

"no, i don't..."

"fuck you. i just need a stamp!"

a conversation i had with a homeless man last night at around 1:00 am.

a few thoughts

who needs to mail something at 1:00 am? really? and is is that surprising that a drunk stranger walking down the road just trying to get home to bed doesn't happen to be carrying stamps on him? does anyone carry stamps on themselves?

i wish i did have a stamp on me. it would have been awesome.

2009-06-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

what should one do to escape the self? All i can do is evaluate my faults and weaknesses. I am here, alone, with no one. I feel the weight of my mistakes and guilt for ones i haven't even made yet. I want to throw and hit things and punch walls and doors. I want to cry. I am not trying to be sad, I am being honest. I go to bed with fear and emptiness. i hate this. I wake up with an once of strength to self reflect. By the end of the day, I am crushed, defeated in self-reflection. Self-reflection is painful. The idea of making choices on the findings of these reflections is unbearable. But i hate this limbo. i hate the waiting. i hate wishing that i have to know to the consequences that my actions might bring. I shouldn't be writing this post, but i need to vent. I can't expect my loved ones to be hear to listen to me every time i feel this despair. I know i need this inwardness right now, but it is so very hard. I need to find who i am, what i can give, what i need, and what i want. The easy (but wrong) choice is to fall back into old habits, like nothing needs change. but i know that i will have to confront this thorn in my side and soul later. I know the problem wont go away. I need to make a choice to battle it. But in which direction? Is it either/or? is there a gray area. is there a middle ground? can i find it? can i get what i need and feel to be right for me, and not be alone? Can i have the love i need, while giving love the only way the i know how?

damn you Devil! you reside in my chest and cause this constant feeling of falling and sinking.

Portfolio review...

2009-05-21T14:13:00.000-07:00

A strong execution of a concept.

A poor execution of a concept.

fence (get off the)

2009-05-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Fence, 2008

i want to be a great man, like Sam Hamilton.
I need to get off this fence and decide.

the sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down...

2008-11-29T18:53:00.000-08:00

"brick wall" Ansco shur shot, 120 Kodakchrome EEG, iso 100 (crossed-processed)

"The world was a good place to buy in. It seemed like a fine philosophy. In five years, I thought, it will seem just as silly as all the other fine philosophies I've had."

Jack Barnes, from THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway

I just finished The Sun Also Rises about an hour ago. This quote in particular got me.

We all have a "philosophy" we live by. Some ideology, philosophy or religion governs the way we act and live in this world. For some it is selfishness, others it's selflessness. Some believe in God, others do not. Some are moved by patriotism, others are ashamed of their country.

One thing is certain-our beliefs evolve. They change; they grow as we do. Even one with an ardent faith see events in new light throughout their life, and they certainly can say that what they thought to be true in their younger years was a bit "silly." Although the root of their faith or ideal is the same, their understanding and reaction to that faith changes. I am confident that any reader of this post can agree with me. When I reflect, i can see these philosophies that have governed my days and laugh a little, and cringe...

What governs me now? What belief do i use as a guide and hold so dear in the present will fade away in the future?

It scares me. I feel doomed never to really know what to buy into...

Old ladies

2008-11-22T15:04:00.001-08:00

"old lady 1 and 2" Ansco Shur Shot, 120 Kodakchrome EEG 100 iso (cross processed)

I want to do a series of old ladies walking around on the sidewalk, not knowing their photo is being taken. I took these photos a few weeks ago with a camera not really fit for what i wanted to capture, but it was all i has at the time. I am happy with how these came out, and it did inspire me to take more pictures of this sort, with better equipment.

it is just so damn expensive...

sorry...

2008-11-19T19:37:00.000-08:00

"Gracie" Kiev 88cm, 120 Kodakchrome EEG 100 (cross-processed)

Sorry...

I have been slacking on the blog.

This is gracie, my friend daughter.

more to come, i promise.

A few observations...

2008-10-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

"Hey Pauly..." Lubitel 166B, 120 Expired Konica 400 ISO

A few things that caught my attention yesterday...

The sign in the yard said "Free Dandelions"
It should say "Free Leaves"
The dandelions are all gone...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It is hard to write on a bus.
Sometimes it is hard to ride on a bus

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A five year old girl got on the bus today with her mother and little sister. She had a horse in her hands and life in her eyes. Everyone one on the bus saw this life, except the men right behind me in the very back. They were being very crude and loud in their talk. Everyone on the bus could hear the fuck word. Even the little girl. The bus driver stopped the bus and asked them to keep in down. "There are children on the bus," he said. The bus driver, an older and handsome man, didn't want to see the life diminish from the little girls eyes. I didn't want to see it either. The men behind me were angry. I smiled...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I walked up to table 101 to greet the ladies that were sat in my section in the cafe.

"Hello ladies," I said " How are you two doing today?"

"I am wasted on Vicodin," The seventy year old lady said, doped out of her mind. (it was 11:05 am as well)

"That's great," i said "Would you like a glass of wine then?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

1246 SE 49th Ave has 12 pumpkins on the porch. I don't know why this is important.

Front Row Seats

2008-10-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

"The Painted Lock" Lubitel 166B, 120 expired Koniica, 400 iso.

"Front Row Seats," by Jambo Land

With a voice that commands the children to disarm and disband:
"Lay down your sticks, enough with your evil and nasty tricks
Leave that tree alone, I said leave that fucking tree alone, it needs to grow
Soon it will be the end of days and I desire a place to rest my head in the shade..."

I demand nothing less
than front row seats
to the apocalypse

With a voice that commands the cowards to rise up and and stand:
"You have been so weak, now its time you really acted meek
For the heroes and the brave have lost their footing, they have lost their place
This time is your own, hurry and take the throne built from the ashes of your whimpers of your cries of your moans..."

For faith is just religions way
of dealing with all the shit
you can't explain

and all my friends must think that i get off on blasphemy
but let me tell you the truth, my head has always believed
it's just that i embrace this little easy thing, you might have heard of it, it's called neutrality
So this is the very best way I can offer up some symmetry.

With a voice that commands the innocent to cut off their hands:
"You've made no mistakes, buy even you can't escape your pleasure, so lets take some preventative measures..."

The Traveler's Feet and A Moveable Feast

2008-10-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

"The Traveler's Feet" Lubitel 166B, 120 Kodakchrome EEG 100 iso (crossed-processed)

"Can I sit here?" the man asked.

"Of course," I said, with what i believe to be an inviting look on my face.

He sat and read his article on the blazers. Nich was involved in science fiction book as I was discovering the greatness of A Moveable Feast. We all drank our coffee. Some time passed. We read.
I said my goodbye to Nich and made my way out of the busy coffee shop. I put on my scarf in advance, ready for the air outside. Brisk but welcoming. The trees in the city were (and are still) putting on a show for anyone willing to take the time and just look. "slow down, and enjoy..."
Walking by the park, i stopped and watched some children playing baseball. A kid slid into home base. Not so much the "true" baseball slide, but more like sliding on an icy sidewalk, or freshly waxed hardwood floors in socks. Standing up, but with limited control. Everything was how it had to be. I smiled, tucked Hemingway into my back pocket, and kept on...

i am thankful. I am blessed

I am way to content for this time of year...

Jeff and Cannery row (he lost his umbrella)

2008-10-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

"Jeff and Cannery Row" Diana F+, 120 Expired Konica iso 400

fall is here. summer is gone...

ten things i wish to do fairly soon...

1- finish my portfolio.
2- do some of those photography projects i always talk about.
3- read "Dead Souls" by Gogol
4- vote
5- experience all the wonderful things Portland has to offer that I haven't got around to yet (powpow, I am dragging you along with me)
6-have a beard
7-learn to fly
8- apply to school (i need to do this)
9- start running
10- be awesome, all the time.

ilovetoday

2008-10-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

"Peter's Bikes" Ansco Shur Shot, Expired 120 Konica 400 iso

Today is going to be a good day. So far it is shaping out well. Although everyone of us is super-broke, we (Lindsay, Ashley, Paul and I) managed to cook a nice breakfast for ourselves, with mimosas. Ashley and I are going to go to the park with our books and cameras. We are going to try to enjoy the sun one last time before she says goodbye to us. She will be back in june. Pedro and Goose are cooking up some curry for a bunch of us tonight. Should be fun.

I am content. It is nice to feel calm...

y la bamba

2008-10-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

"Y la Bamba" Diana F+, 120 Fuji Provia 100 iso (cross-processed)

i have been thinking a lot. I have to be a photographer. I don't feel like i have a choice in the matter...

Day 21

2008-10-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

"I wish I knew a chord..." Diana F+, 120 Fuji Provia 100 iso (cross-processed)

It has been three weeks today. NO SMOKES.

I am starting to feel better.

Above is Ashley (powpow). She is my lady friend. I hope you all get to meet her soon if you haven't met her already. She gives me smiles.

I think I am going to vomit...barf...

Timing/Waiting

2008-10-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

"The Hall" Keiv 88 cm. 120 Konica 400

"Timing/Waiting" by Jambo Land

For pow pow

Well some say timing is everything
I think timing is nothing at all
It is just dumb-fucking luck
It is just how all your chips fall.
How the cookie crumbles, how the tumble weed tumbles
when you are getting wasted on your front lawn.
Waiting for your day to start, start, start moving along.
move along move along just move along...

And they are all now leaving in pairs...
And I am left with a stupid stare...
And she alone is mopping the floor...
And Mr. Fucking Figures is begging for more...

OH MY GOD! what have i said, spreading such nonsense
Your truth grabbed and held me in the dark with ease
And whispered to me, so bittersweet "Joseph, timing is everything."
Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no, but hell yes oh yes!
It is finally off my chest, I think that we can move along
we can move along, move along we can move along...

And they are now all holding hands...
And I am screaming "I am a man..."
And she alone is burned in my mind...
And Mr. Fucking Figures is coughing up dimes...

iknowhowtowait
iknowhowtowait
soiwillwait
soiwillwait
untilthatday
whenyoucansay
"ihavestucktomyguns
ihavehadagoodrun
maybewecanmovealong..."

81 and smoking

2008-09-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

"81" Lubitel 2B, 120 Kodakchrome EEG 100 ISO (cross-processed)

No more smokes. I bought the gum. I am chewing it right now. I am tired of this habit that has consumed my life. Honestly, I would love it if i could just smoke with coffee or beer, but I just need to quit all the way for a good while.

this gum taste like a dead skunk's ass. All it does it speed up my heart rate.

I am going to stick to my guns...

move it along move it along

2008-09-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

"self portrait in vegas (where is vegas?) Lubitel 2B, 120 Kodakchrome EEG, 100 ISO (cross-processed)

The air is changing. It is brisk. I have been finding myself with a slight chill in my bones. Fall is coming...

I find myself waiting. For what i am not not sure, but like the fall air, i can feel it coming. An anxiety I am strangely excited about. My page is going to turn, and like a novel with countless uncertainties, my story is going to unfold before me. And like a character in any book, I am going to react to these changes. By now, i am confident i am going to make the right choice with my life. I will cope and deal with it if i must. I will embrace it with joy, for i know that it is necessary for me.

there is so much i keep in. bottled up and waiting. I think it is going to be forced out soon. And i think is going to be beautiful.

ANSCO

2008-09-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

"Chris looking up(at what?)" Ansco SHUR SHOT, 120 Kodakchrome EEG, 100 iso (cross-processed)

I bought an old camera a few weeks ago and got back my first test roll. It is an ansco shur shot, from the 1950's. It is a simple, 6x9 camera with no shutter, focus or apiture settings. Pretty much it is a glorified pinhole camera (with a lens)

I love it...

NIneteen

2008-09-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

"A recreation of nineteen" Lubitel 2B, 120 expired Konica, 400 iso

"Nineteen" by jambo land

For Andrew Kirk

Tom Robbins saved you, Hermann Hesse saved me
Such awkard heros we have at the age of niniteen
Because Jesus wasn't king when we were niniteen

You had your great freak out on linolium floor
I had my great melt down in a snow storm
Nothing makes sense anymore, because we are nineteen

hey how are you? Ya, I was nineteen once too
hey how are you? Ya, I was nineteen once too once too
hey how are you? Ya, I was nineteen once too once too once tooooooo...

I am stumbling towards my sister's slum
In there I have a friend, his name is Mold E. von Molderson

"And I will never ever reread a sigle book that i read when I was nineteen.
Everything that that cursed year brought me was so goddamn confussing
i just want back my sanity."

the split series

2008-09-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

This photo is the second of a series of six photos I am going to be hanging up at the Fine Grind next week. It is my first "series" of photos. The whole concept came from a mistake in the printing process. Some of my photos came out split in half with the next negative on the roll. The effect caught my eye pretty hard so I decided to roll with it.

For the first time in my life, i am calling myself a photographer. there is nothing else i wish to do.

Ice picks and Tony

2008-09-10T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last night was rough.
I don't want to get into details, but it is very rare that I imagine stabbing someone in their bald head with an ice pick. I don't like having these thoughts. I don't have these thoughts often, but if I do, the person usually warrants them. Work was rough last night.

But today is a good day. I just finished some breakfast with peter and goose. We cooked at their house. (i just watched, no cooking here) I don't have to work until 4:00 and i have tomorrow off. It is going to be a glorious day.

This photo is Tony playing the harmonica. I was a little concerned at first because he was moving so much and I had a low speed film. "Why not make him move?"

It worked out okay...

Back in action...

2008-09-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, things are now in order...

I have been able to budget myself well for the next month and I should be able to get all of my film processed in the next 5 to 6 weeks. I should have a lot to show you.

This first pic of the batch was taken on 120 Konica 400 ISO film. The film was three years expired and has a really washed out look to it. I shot this roll with a Diana F+ on the pinhole setting. I also made a mask over the film to give it a wide, choppy border. Even though the Diana is arguably the worst camera ever ( those who say this are usually camera Nazis), I love this little cheap treasure.

More to come. I promise. This pic is not the best, mostly an experiment. But i enjoy it...

Familiar Images - Noltee

2008-09-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

I love this dog. No matter how bad of a day i have, Noltee always gives me some love. I am going to take him on a walk. It is a nice day.

15 hours

2008-09-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

I worked yesterday for 15 hours at the olive garden.

this picture of Mr. Hazen sums up the feelings I had for everything by the end of that 15 hours...

photo news...

2008-09-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

So, I am going to be taking a break from taking pictures for about a month or two. I really need to focus on getting the film I have taking processed and printed before I start with the projects I wish to do. I have about 25 rolls of 120 film i need to get off to the lab. It comes to about 15 bucks a roll. you do the math...

The good thing is that I will be able to share with you all of the pictures I have taken this summer. I should have a slew of them.

I have a series of projects coming up that I am excited about. I am looking forward to sharing them with everyone.

toddles...

A few bits...

2008-08-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

Summer is almost gone in Portland.

A Lesbian told me I "did it" for her the other night.

One of my co-workers stole my Ipod

I want to go to art school more than anything.

What kind of grown man puts honey in their coffee?

I love my Portland friends (the blacks now qualify as "portland friends")

I love and miss my friends who are not here with me

Familiar Images - The chair

2008-08-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

This is my throne. I have occupied this throne for the entirety of my year and a half stay in the Pacific Northwest.
Looking backing, most of the major decisions I have made in my life of late have been made in this chair. "Fuck Portland State. Fuck History. I want to go to art School...I am going to quit Olive Garden...I need to go back to Olive Garden...I hate Journey..." and on and on. I have realized how much I love my friends and family in this chair. I have had countless talks in person and on the phone. I have made my immediate plans for the day I was living in and plans that are going to dictate the course of my future all from this chair. It has kept me company many a drunk night and has nursed me back to health many a hungover morning. I have written song after song on this chair. I don't even want to think how many cigarettes i have smoked and beers i have consumed from this spot.

This photo explains my life of the last year wonderfully. Sloppy, confusing and dirty. But somehow, when looked at all together, it is beautiful. Each element is in harmony with each other. The dirt and grime only add to the color that is my life.

I am happy with my life, and my chair. It is a throne of a Ragamuffin.

hehehe

2008-08-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

Because of the request of my friends, I shall attempt this again...

Enjoy...